Happy Thursday, Aledans!
You know, I say that every day I post. But today I really mean it. I mean it all the other times too, but today I really mean it.
HAPPY EXPLETIVE-OF-YOUR-CHOICE THURSDAY!
Ok, so I may have spent the first week of this year reading the entire IRON DRUID CHRONICLES while sick, so I’m a little expletive-happy. And Oberon-happy. And Atticus-happy. And just happy in general.
That’s right: I’m happy in general. I’m myself-happy for the first time since sometime last summer (or maybe spring?). I didn’t even realize I hadn’t been myself-happy until last night. I’ve had some really happy moments in the past six months. My first full request. Meeting one of my CPs. A million little happy moments with Hubs and my family and friends.
All tainted by…I don’t even know what. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me for the past several months. I mean, rejections, yeah. That’ll ruin anyone’s day. But you’d think directly after finding out you don’t need heart surgery you’d be, you know, loving life in a whole new way. Instead, I took a nose-dive in 2013 towards bah-humbug, screw-everyone-else, cynicism. That is so far in the opposite direction from ME that I can’t even begin to explain it, because I don’t understand it myself. There was a day in late November that I actually consider giving up writing. Not just trying to get published – which may or may not ever happen – but writing. Storylining. Kindra.
I almost gave up on Kindra. If ever there was a dark night of the soul, that was mine. It persisted until exactly four days ago:
I began this year sick. I thought I was hung-over on the first two days, but now I’m pretty sure it was just a massive head-cold gearing up to sucker-punch me in the throat/sinuses. Which is, honestly, exactly what I needed. I needed something to throw me down and tell me to stop.
Stop worrying about all the things I haven’t accomplished yet. All the obligations. All the guilt that I haven’t done all the things I promised myself I’d do. I know I wrote a little bit last week about the stupidity of making goals you know you can’t keep, only to get pissed at yourself that you didn’t keep those goals. After a week of nothing except reading whatever I want, and writing whatever I want (and deciding to write StO backwards instead of forwards because that’s how it wants to be written right now), I’m feeling good. A bit manic at this particular minute (it’s 12:16am on Thursday at this particular minute), but mostly I’ve felt calm and happy and good this week. “Look at the stars and notice how bright they are” good.
Speaking of stars, I’ve been grasping onto the song SHINE by Anna Nalick for the past two years (or more) as my own. I think it’s time to retire it. I think it’s time to find a new song.